24 years and 5 months, alone with her thoughts in her almost empty apartment. *deep breath* “Where do I start?”— Well, I guess this is a little different from the journey she took last time. I’d love to say she figured Him out, but I’d be lying. I will say this though, she knows that she’d never be able to shake the truth that He is real, and that has got to be enough…for now.
This time, she’s struggling with loving all the parts of her that seem to counter the fact that she’s met Him. I mean, there is an obvious disconnect between the person she really is and the person she is on most days. I don’t know, it’s all very fuzzy. I know it sounds crazy but she’s one of those people that needs to know why she is in order for her to be. “How can I actively live if I don’t understand why I am the way I am and act the way I do?”
As cliché as it may sound, life is in fact, short and unlike most people, this truth doesn’t scare her. She is however terrified that she is going to run out of time to live. She’s scared that if she doesn’t get it together soon, she’s going to passively float through her own existence and she is convinced there’s gotta be more to life.
She wants to live. Live well. She wants to know the outcomes her decisions before she makes them; she wants all the cost/benefit analyses she does in Excel to point her to the right financial decisions. She wants to read her Bible each time and have the words be the peace she so desperately craves. What can I say? She’s a control freak. But this is all impossible, as she has recently become best friends with delayed expectations and flat-out disappointments.
Life is tough and it comes indiscriminately hard at each of us. We hurt, we heal; we strive, we fail, we pick ourselves up and try again; we pray. Silence. The darkness closing in on us and the worst part, you don’t know why. “Why me? Why now?” I hate that word- Why? It never comes from anything good. With all the uncertainties though, there are some definites; she is grateful for those. However, they never seem to be enough to scare the darkness away for too long. She is constantly reminded that “We have to fully feel to fully live”; but this is hard for her because she is a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” type of girl. She’s scared of what might happen if she lets herself feel certain things, so she must keep moving to keep going. She tells herself it’s for her sanity; ironically, she loses some of that with every step she takes but she can’t stop herself long enough to fully recover or she might lose it all. What a fucking vicious cycle, huh?
Ultimately, this has led me to the conclusion that we have to learn to live broken. If the darkness is inevitable, and if it sometimes outweighs the light, then there has to be a way to fully feel and fully live. But how do you live with a broken heart? – and more importantly, why would you? There’s that word again——